So I'm dating again. Two first dates in one week, in fact. And it feels good - to be meeting new people, expanding my circle, feeling attractive to someone of the opposite sex.
What feels really good, though, is that I really don't care if I'm dating - because I'm good where I'm at. This spot in my path - you know, that path I have no clue yet where it leads - is a comfortable one. It's a healthy one. The path isn't all about finding 'the one.' It's about finding myself. And that's so much more nourishing.
Man, how many years did I read Harlequin Romance novels and yearn for that one man - the one who was my end-all-be-all? Those were some messed up stories - and probably a big reason why for years (um, yeah, til about 5 months ago) I kept thinking some man was going to come save me. When I was first divorced, I was so desperate to find 'the one.' The one who would make life easier. Who would save me. Those books gave me belief in love, but a really fucked up idea of what it was, what it looked like and how it felt.
I'm the only one who can save me, and that's my priority right now. (though, yes, when my toilet breaks, a man to fix it would be nice - but I can pay for that!)
So today, I get it. Though I recognize I probably still have lots and lots to learn. I get that I can be alone and be okay. I get that I can date or not. I get that I can simply spend time with people of the opposite sex and know that it's good for the soul, even if it never leads to love. It's not easy, but it's what is healthy. And it feels so good to be in this place on my path.
I just want to spend time with good people. Be with people who nourish my soul. And I would hope I nourish theirs.
What feels even better is knowing that I still have faith in love - I'm blessed that the last man I loved was a good man, and that he gave me renewed hope in men. And in love. That is a gift. Not many women are lucky enough to leave a relationship with their faith intact.
And, out of that chapter ending, I also have a better sense of what love means, looks like and feels like - and what it doesn't. And what I deserve. Now, when I say all that, some might roll their eyes - I'm not naive. I still have lots to learn and will fall back to that insecure place every now and then - that's life, right?
But it feels so good to believe good men are out there. And to be spending time with them. They won't be on a white horse but they will respect me for having saved myself.
Someday I'll be in love again - and until then, it feels so good to just be open to knowing new people and expanding my circle. Where there's no drama. No desperate need to find that Harlequim romance. No flipping of the pages, moving from chapter to chapter in search of that happy ending.
Because my path is about so much more than that now - so we'll see whose path might parallel mine, at what point in my life, and for how long. Either way, I'm going to keep moving forward and keep nourishing my soul. That's the best I can do right now.
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