Boundary-worthy

I've never been good at setting boundaries. Even recognizing that they need to be set or that they're lacking Instead, I go along in a relationship - love, work - and at some point, I become frustrated - sick and tired. And it's usually because in my heart, there was a line I didn't want someone to cross - and they crossed it.

Yet I never told them the line was there. So I gave in, didn't make a big deal out of it. Never set those boundaries. So there went more time. Then came more frustration. And it hurt us all in the end.

Boundaries represent how we see ourselves and what we're worthy of. -- what define us in some ways. They tell people who we believe we are and want to be - and how we expect to be treated.

I've rarely set them. Certainly not proactively before someone crossed the line. At those times, I've given in - given up my independence, my spontaneity, my self-respect, my health, my pursuit of meaning. I became a shrunken version of myself - willing to compromise on so many things (big and small) that I couldn't recognize myself.

In my last relationship, I was so afraid of losing him that I never set boundaries. I compromised on so many things that really were important to me - even when he didn't ask me to! It's almost like I did it eagerly. Like it proved how much I loved him. Unselfish, right?

I made the preservation of my relationship more important than the preservation of myself. Of who I am at my core. I get how wrong that was. I'm realizing how much time and energy it takes to find myself again.

I have come to realize that I'm worthy of boundaries - and that they will actually help, not hurt, my relationships. They won't limit me or those people in my life. They'll provide enough structure - and clarity on what is most important to me - that we should be able to flourish within those boundaries.

It will take time - and work. I have to identify and understand what boundaries are most important to me. And what it will look like when someone crosses them. And how many chances they get before they're 'out' for good.

I guess it's like parents with children - you set those boundaries because you love them. You know this requires more work but it's what will make them the best people they can be.

Since I'm ultimately responsible for myself (I can't ask my mom to baby me anymore!), I have to do the hard work of setting and enforcing boundaries.

It may not be fun or easy but it's what I'm worthy of.