Good Enough?

Soon after I separated from my ex-husband, a man asked me why I'd left him. And I said simply "It wasn't good enough." For some reason, that seemed to bother him. It's so esoteric. Hard to argue with. Hard to comprehend.

But it really came down to two questions - was it good anymore? and was it enough? In the end, the answers were both no - it wasn't.

That does beg the question - years after making that tough, rough decision to end acommitted relationship - WAS it good? and what IS enough? And how do you know?

Because they can actually be two different things. Ironically, it wasn't being married that caused me to think of those as two separate questions. It was - funny, not a marriage - but my first true love, who made me ask.

My last relationship was good. Really fucking good. I never doubted, when I woke up with his arms around me and his lips on my neck, that it was good. His breath against my neck. I never doubted when we drove to cut our Christmas trees in blizzards, that it was good - that I trusted every moment with him. That every breath, every glide of a hand in his, every shared, quiet, secretive smile, that it was good. Great, even. Maybe fantastic.

I just wish it had been enough. It wasn't. I hoped it was. I prayed it was. I waited months in vain pushing and wishing that it would be. Crying - sobbing- when I knew it wasn't yet wasn't prepared to admit it.

It wasn't. He couldn't love me enough. He wasn't strong enough to balance his baggage, open it up, scrutinize it and face it. Wasn't prepared to re-pack it. He couldn't do what needed to be done. Even though the prize was ME.

So, in the end - our end - I found a beginning. Because we weren't enough. We were good - damn, we were so FUCKING good - but just not enough. Now I look to a new beginning.

Do you know what I mean? When it's good, but something is still missing? Some part of your heart is gone, is torn, is pained, is wishing, is hoping, is CRAVING something more?

He can't give it. Who can? Can anyone?

Honestly, at this point, I'm not sure who can. Maybe no one. But I know it's not him. That beautiful, graceful, loving, kiss-my-neck of a man. Who said I gave him a thousand different kisses. Yet he couldn't give enough.

What IS enough? When is enough? How many questions do I need answers for in order to have a solution/answer to 'enough'?

This much I know - some day, some how, some way - it will be enough. I might be alone. I might be only with friends. I might find that Harlequin-romance, Danielle Steele (damn that steel!) romance that all my friends will envy.

Until then, what's enough? It's enough to know I am NOT settling. I am not pining (ok, a little). I am not wondering. I am not crying - well, I am, but not as much as before.

I AM living. And surviving. And thriving. And making this life -- my only life -- something amazing -- whether it's just me, me and family, me and those I have yet to meet.

But it will be enough. Moment by moment. Because while I may wish for more, strive for more, dream of more, it is only both good and enough when I am present -- 100 percent good and enough at the same time. Any man who wants to be with me - who deserves to be with me will be No. 1 GOOD and No. 2 ENOUGH.

And then, finally, when I share my life with someone, it will be both good and enough. Good enough.