Harlequin heartache and faith in love

So I'm dating again. Two first dates in one week, in fact. And it feels good - to be meeting new people, expanding my circle, feeling attractive to someone of the opposite sex.

What feels really good, though, is that I really don't care if I'm dating - because I'm good where I'm at. This spot in my path - you know, that path I have no clue yet where it leads - is a comfortable one. It's a healthy one. The path isn't all about finding 'the one.' It's about finding myself. And that's so much more nourishing.

Man, how many years did I read Harlequin Romance novels and yearn for that one man - the one who was my end-all-be-all? Those were some messed up stories - and probably a big reason why for years (um, yeah, til about 5 months ago) I kept thinking some man was going to come save me. When I was first divorced, I was so desperate to find 'the one.' The one who would make life easier. Who would save me. Those books gave me belief in love, but a really fucked up idea of what it was, what it looked like and how it felt.

I'm the only one who can save me, and that's my priority right now. (though, yes, when my toilet breaks, a man to fix it would be nice - but I can pay for that!)

So today, I get it. Though I recognize I probably still have lots and lots to learn. I get that I can be alone and be okay. I get that I can date or not. I get that I can simply spend time with people of the opposite sex and know that it's good for the soul, even if it never leads to love. It's not easy, but it's what is healthy. And it feels so good to be in this place on my path.

I just want to spend time with good people. Be with people who nourish my soul. And I would hope I nourish theirs.

What feels even better is knowing that I still have faith in love - I'm blessed that the last man I loved was a good man, and that he gave me renewed hope in men. And in love. That is a gift. Not many women are lucky enough to leave a relationship with their faith intact.

And, out of that chapter ending, I also have a better sense of what love means, looks like and feels like - and what it doesn't. And what I deserve. Now, when I say all that, some might roll their eyes - I'm not naive. I still have lots to learn and will fall back to that insecure place every now and then - that's life, right?

But it feels so good to believe good men are out there. And to be spending time with them. They won't be on a white horse but they will respect me for having saved myself.

Someday I'll be in love again - and until then, it feels so good to just be open to knowing new people and expanding my circle. Where there's no drama. No desperate need to find that Harlequim romance. No flipping of the pages, moving from chapter to chapter in search of that happy ending.

Because my path is about so much more than that now - so we'll see whose path might parallel mine, at what point in my life, and for how long. Either way, I'm going to keep moving forward and keep nourishing my soul. That's the best I can do right now.

Those silly building blocks

Are you a control freak? I am in so many ways. More than I want to admit. I like to have control - know what something will be like, make it the way I want, be able to predict people's behavior. Especially when it comes to love - give me absolutes, will-love-forevers, happily-ever-afters. Whatever. Just give me certainty.

One of the most profound passages I've read in the last few months was about not having that control - and it made me laugh. In a "yep, ain't that life" way. And it really made me question just how much control I should ever expect to have.

Author Thomas Moore writes about the passion of a relationship, and how when the soul is involved, you have no choice but to follow your heart. To just go with it. To stay close to the fantasty of all it represents to you. Because you just never know.

Then he says "You can trust (those emotions) - not to arrange life the way you want it - but to arrange the elements of your soul in a way that will offer rich life in the future."

Think about that - you're not going to get what you've dreamed of, but you're going to get a soul that will make it possible to have the best life ever.

It made me laugh because I used to be there - I thought he was THE ONE. THIS IS IT. I was arranging life the way I wanted it. Into a neat, tidy package. With no thought to my soul.

I was so naive. I was so hooked on that fantasy. That package. And yet, when it burst, and after the aftermath was over, those elements of my soul - building blocks - started falling into place and creating a new structure. A newly formed soul.

Isn't that just how life is? When we think we have control, when we think "ah, this is it!" -- that's when it nails us, smacks us upside the head. And we realize the goal is not a tidy package. The goal is a well-structured soul.

I truly doubt I have much control over how well-forged my soul is. How well those elements fall into place. I might arrange them one way, then the fates might re-arrange them.

I don't see this as a problem - just a new reality. Instead of focusing so much on controlling how things are or how we want them to be, should we be asking - how do we make each of those elements stronger? So that no matter how they're arranged, it's a solid structure?

As much as I laugh at that passage, I really do like it. I laugh at it because, in spite of me and my attempts of control, it's true. Regardless of how much I worry, there are forces beyond my control. And that sometimes, when I think life has just smacked me upside the head, maybe it's for good reason.

Because I look back at where I was several months ago - when I had it so neaty arranged in my fantasy - and I see how naive I was. How little I understood. About us, him - me.

And now I can just sit back and feel those elements being re-arranged. Moved around. Creating a stronger structure. In spite of myself.

A lion's roar

I've been doing hot (Bikram) yoga for more than four months now. Yoga is counterintuitive to begin with, at least for those of us in modern society. While it's supposedly the natural movement and range of motion for your body, it's crazy. And then make the room 100 degrees, and you have a group of insane people.

And I'm one of them - who is all the more crazy because I find an incredible amount of self-awareness and peace when I'm twisting like a pretzel balanced on my toes with sweat pooling in my ears.

So I was in one of these insanity postures a few weeks ago when a swell of anger crashed through me - anger at my last love. The one who left me - who wasn't strong enough to make us work.

I was screaming at him in my head. Cursing at him. The anger was overwhelming.

But honestly, I wasn't mad at him. I was angry at me. Ticked off at myself. Furious. Fed up.

Furious for being so crushed when he left. Weak. For not seeing it coming. For spending the last year of our relationship more focused on making it work than on asking why it wasn't. For doing the same thing in my marriage - believing it could be more. For not setting boundaries - not telling him he couldn't call me a bitch. For not leaving him when he did.

I'm angry at how long it took me to see the light - and how much pain there was along the way. That I could have avoided. If I'd just been smarter. More insightful.

This truth hurts. But, the other truth is that rage can be a catalyst for improvement. If we can channel the anger, we can make good from it.

That is what I'm hoping to do.

I love the quote from Susan Anderson's "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" where she talks about the mighty roar a lion gives when he feels threatened. She says "Baring his teeth, the lion masks this fear as strength. His roar is an assertion of power, signifying his expectation of triumph."

I absolutely dig that - the expectation of triumph. It speaks to confidence in one's capabilities - that in a fight, they'd have superior skills. And it implies a faith in the outcome - that heart of the lion you hear about.

So - if I want to channel anger toward action, I have to know: what do I fear? and what expectation do I have?

I fear more lost time. I am afraid that I'll repeat my mistakes - and that truly would be a mistake.

I fear not progressing. Not becoming the best person I can be. Of looking back and knowing I didn't do everything I could to forge my soul. Of not contributing all I can to this life.

I do fear not ever finding that someone who I believe I will spend the rest of my life with. And, I fear not being strong enough to be alone if that is indeed my fate.

I fear I'll never repack my baggage to be lighter. That it'll only get heavier, if I don't manage it right.

With that said, what do I expect? What does triumph look like to me? When I roar (I am a Leo, you know), where is my heart?

I have an expectation of myself that I will learn from my lessons (I can't call them mistakes if they truly were part of my journey). I expect that I will continue seeking answers. That when the answers come easy, I'll make sure I'm not just fooling myself. I expect my soul will become a beautiful, solid, vibrant core that is much like the heart of a lion.

I do expect to find someone I will fall madly in love with - I'm too much of a romantic to not expect it. But, I will make sure when it does happen that I will work hard for a balanced, boundaried relationship.

And because it could be decades before it happens, I won't sit and wait. I expect to live as much life as I can every day. To appreciate every small moment - how fallen leaves look like a sheet of gold on the grass. How precious the unconditional love of a pet is.

Finally, I expect to triumph over my baggage. It IS mine, after all. It's mine to carry. I can't leave it behind. But I can repack it to be smaller. I can make my soul so strong that the baggage feels much lighter to carry. And I can let it make me smarter. Stronger.

Mightier, like that lion.