Time warp

It's been more than two years since my last post. I wish I could say I had progressed, that all I'd written before was true and I had manifested it perfectly in my life.

Not so much. Instead, I realize how much I have forgotten. Seen how easily I go astray. Forget what I'd learned. I said at the time, I had to nourish my soul. Focus on growing and learning even when it's uncomfortable. Be strong, because only I can save myself.

I've done none of that. I welcomed my old love back into my life. Enjoyed bliss for several months. Put him first. His boys first. Myself and my health and my soul's wealth last. All of a sudden, something felt wrong. I felt scared again. Worried he'd hurt me again. Afraid I would lose this.

And, the moment he committed himself to me - put a ring on it, as Beyonce demands, I freaked. Flipped. Flopped. I said yes - but spent more than a year unraveling the freaky thoughts streaming through my head at a pace that - if harnessed - could have powered the world.

And slowly that recently renewed/rediscovered strength, my audaciousness, my newfound insightfulness just faded away. It was eclipsed by all that I did to please him, make myself the 'perfect' partner. Once again, I did it willingly - like a sacrificial lamb. He didnt' ask me to. I didn't knowingly do it. I still don't get it. And I realize it might take years of therapy to figure it out.

Tonight, I came back to my blog because I just watched a TED talk on shame - really, it was on being vulnerable but I'm not vulnerable because I feel shame. I'm ashamed at how far I'd come two years ago and how far I've regressed since then. I'm ashamed at how weak I feel. How the second I get into a relationship, I give up all that makes me authentically me. How I set no boundaries and lost my focus.


But re-reading all my posts reminded me just how amazing I am - just as everyone else is amazing in their own way. And that I can and should let go of that shame. I'm sure it's not as easy as typing that sentence- but will take time and practice. I want to focus on what I am deep in my core in those moments of power - at those moments when I will roar like a lion with the 'expectation of triumph' that I loved so much.

Paradox of choice

A few years ago I was talking with my friend Rich about how I had so many paths laid out before me, since I was newly divorced, yet had no clue which one I wanted to take. I hadn't figured it out when a man came into my life and became the path I chose.

Today, I find that I face the same paradox - every choice I could ever wish in front of me and that same man offering me a path, waiting for me to choose. Rich had dubbed it the paradox of choice. So many choices - which many people might envy - that you can't choose. You're paralyzed by the paradox.

It's this riddle - which should she choose? which one is 'best,' as my friend's son asked playing the board game Life.

I could move to Europe. Learn French and work for the UN. Move to DC. Move to Seattle and be close to family. Stay in the Tri-Cities. Get married. Stay single. Sometimes, when I'm really confused and stressed and just done with life, I'm tempted with the thought of selling everything and just driving - to who knows where.

So many choices. So much responsibility weighing on each one. A friend once said that because I didn't have children tethered to a father here, I could go anywhere - and therefore, I had an even greater responsibility to myself and to other women to make sure that if I stayed in the Tri-Cities, it was because it was what I truly wanted to do.

So much pressure.

This quote seems appropriate to me at this time: "Mankind's greatest gift, also its greatest curse, is that we have free choice." -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

It's so ironic, I think. It's like with all freedoms - they don't come easy and they don't come without responsibility.

I certainly don't have the answers. I'm newly paralyzed, looking at all those choices with uncertainty.

Yet doesn't it sound cool to move to Europe or DC or NYC? But I'm not sure I actually want that - being further from my family and from my friends. All that traffic. Why not just travel for work and enjoy it that way? It could make for exciting career opportunities, though. On the flip side, I also didn't grow up wanting three kids, a husband and a house in the suburbs. I wasn't sure what I wanted - except to be happy, since I wasn't having the grandest time as a kid.

So how do we know what we want? How do we know what will nourish our soul? Maybe the only way we find out is to try a path and see - and if it doesn't work, starting laying a new path in a different direction.

Some paths will lead to growth, some will lead to safety (yet shrinking). But which ones?

I should ask the people in my life - how have you made those major decisions? How have you known where the path to nourishment and growth was? When did you know it was the wrong path?

I think it also comes down to what nourishes us - children, family, adventure, new cultures, creative outlets? Because those will help determine whether a path is the right one. If we take a safe path but truly yearn for adventure, it's not the right path.

So many choices. Such a riddle.

Since I don't have answers, maybe I'll find some solace in this thought tonight, also by Kubler-Ross: "Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose, there are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from."

Got security?

So as I'm rethinking the last six months and what I knew or believed I knew about my last relationship ending - and asking myself if I can make it work a second time around, I have been thinking a lot about trust. In that second chance, how could I trust this person again? How could I trust my own feelings?

How could I have clarity - when I was so 'wrong' the first time?

I even wondered - how could I be as carefree and audacious as I was early in our relationship, when now I don't know if I can trust his feelings? my own feelings? How can I trust that it's authentic and not some romanticized idea in my Harlequin Romance-warped head?

Last week, my younger brother told me not to focus too much on trust and security -- because no one can make any guarantees. And our striving for trust and security can in fact send us on a rollercoaster of insecurity, anxiety and baggage-driven moments.

Anyway, his point was that there is no security in life. I've heard this assertion repeatedly in the Buddhist passages and books I've read the last several months. About how looking for security is a futile effort.


Our only security is within ourselves - and our security grows in direct proportion to how little reassurance we require from sources outside ourselves.


The only way we're ever going to feel secure is when we recognize that security is a childish dream that will never come true - and, when we're okay with that notion, only then will we feel any semblance of security.

I have to admit, that notion sucks - only because it seems so hard to achieve! Isn't that what so many of us are seeking? yearning for? something to make it better, give us ground under our feet? tell us it'll all be OK?


We may not like that idea, and as much as it goes against my romantic girlhood dreams, I really believe it's true. Because I've never found security beyond my own soul. It's a hard reality of life to think that in those ways, it's all up to us - but it's very freeing to believe, at the same time.


If security can't be guaranteed, then we should only expect life to change. To surprise us. To smack us upside the head and rearrange the building blocks of our soul in ways we never anticipated.

So, it's not just death and taxes that are guaranteed. It's the inability to find your security in anyone else that is a given.

The question is - can we trust ourselves enough to be without that security, without that ground under our feet, and then do the hard work to forge our souls to give us all that we need?

Second chances

How do you decide to give someone a second chance? Who has shattered your heart? Who has made you question everything in your life?

That man - the one who loved me better than any other before, who loved me good but not enough - has offered himself to me. A different kind of life together. A new prioritization. One that answers the question "Is it enough."

How do you allow someone back in - if you can, in fact? Do you take that gamble - go 'all in'?

At what point do we offer someone a second chance. This man shattered my heart - shrapnel, as Susan Anderson the author says. I'm still figuring out how to re-create my heart into something stronger.

So when I do trust it? be vulnerable to it? open myself to it? take that gamble?

And when do I close off, knowing that no matter how good it sounds or how amazing that love was, that it won't be enough?

I am such the romantic. I want to believe. I want to trust. But I've cried my way through too many Kleenex boxes and toilet paper rolls in my car to walk into anything blindly. No bluffing in the game of love.

So many people would say - Don't trust it. He hurt you. Don't give him another chance. Fold up those cards and walk away before you lose big.

But there's no 'heart' in that path. There's no risk-taking. That's not being open to love. At least in my case. At least in my heart. From all the soul-searching I've done the past six months, I know I want to take risks. Believe in love. Expand my life.

So I asked myself just one question this week - is the payout worth the risk?

It is. Mostly because it was so good before, that if it can be 'enough' now, then I'll have hit the jackpot.


If it doesn't work out, I'll be hurt again. And I'll kick his butt. But I am strong enough to handle it - stronger than last time. More sure of who I am. Though my girlfriends may demand I pay for their high cell phone bills this time!

I didn't get my storybook happy ending last time with him - there's no guarantee I will this time. But I'm just curious enough and just hopeful enough to believe it's worth the gamble.

I'm all in.

Who's judging your potential?

Do you know what you're capable of - what enormous, amazing contributions you can make to life? Has someone told you you couldn't? Or could? When's the last time someone told you that you could achieve great things?

Just recently, someone told me they believed I was meant to do great things. I can't recall anyone ever believing so clearly in me and my potential. It was humbling. And overwhelming. In fact, I wasn't sure I agreed.

I've come to realize how easily - quickly - we judge another person's potential. As if it can be measured. Or predicted.

Every company does succession planning - identifies those "up and comers" who have potential to move up the corporate ladder. It's a critical step any organization must take to ensure its continued growth and success. They won't succeed if they leave it up to the fates.

At the same time, it hits me that people have sat around tables and judged my potential - could she manage people? how many? how high can she go? how valuable is she? what's holding her back? and are those things worth trying to fix in order for her to move up?

I was in one of those meetings recently, and I was asked to make those judgments about other people. I felt hypocritical judging others, when I'm just now realizing how much potential I have. I've only just begun seeing what's been holding me back and where I could possibly go.

So, how can others judge my potential when I'm just beginning to fathom how much greater I can be? How can I judge others?

It's human nature, I suppose. Life is easier when we can categorize people. Make judgements. It gives us a framework from which to interact with those people. Companies need to do it so they can target investments and efforts in building people.

Yet - are we doing it for ourselves? Why do I wait for a company to tell me that I have potential - or what level of potential I have? And why wait for them to decide how to invest in helping me reach that potential?

I shouldn't complain that someone else is evaluating my potential when I haven't even done it. It's easier to judge other people, and easier to decide what training someone needs.

I should be donig my own assessment and identifying my own potential for greatness. Not when it comes to work - but when it comes to why I'm here and what contributions I want to make while I'm here. Then, I have to do something with it - make those investments to reach my potential.

It's a whole other story to judge myself - that takes a pretty significant amount of honesty. And some conversations with the people in my life who know me best - my friend who keeps telling me to move to Europe. The one who says I should have kids whether I get married or not. The one who remembers the passion I had for journalism. The ones who have watched with sadness as I've shrunk from my potential.

It also requires a sense of meaning and purpose - what drives me every day? and at the end of my life, what will I want to have contributed? what would I be proud to have said I achieved?

This quote from author and philospher Og Mandino hits me hard as I think of my potential - and the responsibility I have to identify it and then achieve it:

"I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth will I apply ALL my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy."

I've been shrinking. Well, not physically unfortunately! I wish that were the case. But, in my mind and my work and my personal passions, I've been shrinking. Probably for at least a decade. Because all those things I'm most proud of - who I was when I was most proud of myself (when I was audacious) - happened a long, long time ago.

I wasn't planning where my path should go or looking for a higher purpose in a destination. And in the end, I walked away from who that woman was and who she was becoming.

I'm starting to look up again and ask those questions about why I might be here, and what greatness should I be striving for? What path will take me back to that woman - yet even greater?

I'm just starting my journey up that mountain. I can't leave it to fate - otherwise, I'll get off track again and my path will go crooked. I have to keep laying those stones in my path - but I have to take those steps deliberately and consistently.

I'm not thinking it'll be easy - but the view from the top will be breathtaking.

Harlequin heartache and faith in love

So I'm dating again. Two first dates in one week, in fact. And it feels good - to be meeting new people, expanding my circle, feeling attractive to someone of the opposite sex.

What feels really good, though, is that I really don't care if I'm dating - because I'm good where I'm at. This spot in my path - you know, that path I have no clue yet where it leads - is a comfortable one. It's a healthy one. The path isn't all about finding 'the one.' It's about finding myself. And that's so much more nourishing.

Man, how many years did I read Harlequin Romance novels and yearn for that one man - the one who was my end-all-be-all? Those were some messed up stories - and probably a big reason why for years (um, yeah, til about 5 months ago) I kept thinking some man was going to come save me. When I was first divorced, I was so desperate to find 'the one.' The one who would make life easier. Who would save me. Those books gave me belief in love, but a really fucked up idea of what it was, what it looked like and how it felt.

I'm the only one who can save me, and that's my priority right now. (though, yes, when my toilet breaks, a man to fix it would be nice - but I can pay for that!)

So today, I get it. Though I recognize I probably still have lots and lots to learn. I get that I can be alone and be okay. I get that I can date or not. I get that I can simply spend time with people of the opposite sex and know that it's good for the soul, even if it never leads to love. It's not easy, but it's what is healthy. And it feels so good to be in this place on my path.

I just want to spend time with good people. Be with people who nourish my soul. And I would hope I nourish theirs.

What feels even better is knowing that I still have faith in love - I'm blessed that the last man I loved was a good man, and that he gave me renewed hope in men. And in love. That is a gift. Not many women are lucky enough to leave a relationship with their faith intact.

And, out of that chapter ending, I also have a better sense of what love means, looks like and feels like - and what it doesn't. And what I deserve. Now, when I say all that, some might roll their eyes - I'm not naive. I still have lots to learn and will fall back to that insecure place every now and then - that's life, right?

But it feels so good to believe good men are out there. And to be spending time with them. They won't be on a white horse but they will respect me for having saved myself.

Someday I'll be in love again - and until then, it feels so good to just be open to knowing new people and expanding my circle. Where there's no drama. No desperate need to find that Harlequim romance. No flipping of the pages, moving from chapter to chapter in search of that happy ending.

Because my path is about so much more than that now - so we'll see whose path might parallel mine, at what point in my life, and for how long. Either way, I'm going to keep moving forward and keep nourishing my soul. That's the best I can do right now.

Walking my path

I've read so many impactful quotes and stories in the last several months that all relate to what path we're on in life. There's the quote that says even when we're walking on a dark path, we are still progressing - we just can't see the progress yet. And the one that mentions how some people are meant to only join us on our path for a short period of time. And then this one, which I just read, about finding the heart in the path:

“Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore, a warrior must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if he feels that he should not follow it, he must not stay with it under any conditions. His decision to keep on that path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. He must look at every path closely and deliberately. There is a question that a warrior has to ask, mandatorily: ‘Does this path have a heart?’” ~ Carlos Castaneda from The Wheel of Time

All three of these are bouncing in my head now, as I try to visualize my path - where it's coming from, what it looks and feels like today, and where it's taking me (or the possibilities of where it could lead). And they're all related - because I have come to realize that some times, the path with a heart is indeed the one where you're in the dark. It's when you're the most lost but also when you find yourself. And, if you're lucky, you have friends whose paths are paralleling yours - offering you comfort when you most need it.

My path has been quite dark the last several months. Yet there have been amazing glimmers of light - mostly because of the people who are walking beside me. And because of what I've learned about my soul in that darkness.

I've learned some of the greatest lessons in life when someone else's path has suddenly disappeared my from sight. They were there - then all of a sudden gone. Those events caused me to re-evaluate what path I was on. I needed to better understand myself, that other person, and what meaning there was in our paths having crossed - and what meaning and lessons should I take from their absence?

Our path isn't set in stone - not cleared, prepped and paved like the highway. We're laying the stones with every step we take. But, we may have a destination in mind that helps guide our steps. And at any time, we can change our path. We can look at all those other pathways we run across - the ones Castaneda says you must scrutinize - and we can decide to choose one of those if we want.

Either way, it's our path. We own it. We own the good, bad and ugly that it might run into. We own the choices that must be made along the way to either 'stay the course' or find new routes we want to take. We own the responsibility for finding a path with 'heart.' And, we own the baggage we carry with us.

It's really about our journey, isn't it? That's why people talk about a path. Because we are on a journey to become our best self - all the while giving the best of ourselves to the rest of the world.

I've never been a person who maps out that path - who has 5-year or 10-year goals. I certainly don't want to fence myself in to a single, inflexible path that can't be changed. At the same time, I see how easily my path wanders in hopes of finding the right direction.

I've had three-plus decades of just moving from path to path, trying one out, then another. Flitting about. With no destination in mind.

If, in another 30 years, I want to look back at where I've been and feel good with how I've lived and where I've been, I have some tough decisions to make. I have to decide where I want my path to lead, what kind of journey I want to have, and what kinds of people I want sharing that journey. I have to understand those things, or I'll be taken off course by the wrong people or the wrong decisions.

I'm guessing it's not easy - otherwise, we'd all have figured it out by now. Until I've decided on a direction and created the framework for my journey, I can still ask that simple question - "Does this path have a heart?"

For now, at least, that's a good guide for my journey.