Time warp

It's been more than two years since my last post. I wish I could say I had progressed, that all I'd written before was true and I had manifested it perfectly in my life.

Not so much. Instead, I realize how much I have forgotten. Seen how easily I go astray. Forget what I'd learned. I said at the time, I had to nourish my soul. Focus on growing and learning even when it's uncomfortable. Be strong, because only I can save myself.

I've done none of that. I welcomed my old love back into my life. Enjoyed bliss for several months. Put him first. His boys first. Myself and my health and my soul's wealth last. All of a sudden, something felt wrong. I felt scared again. Worried he'd hurt me again. Afraid I would lose this.

And, the moment he committed himself to me - put a ring on it, as Beyonce demands, I freaked. Flipped. Flopped. I said yes - but spent more than a year unraveling the freaky thoughts streaming through my head at a pace that - if harnessed - could have powered the world.

And slowly that recently renewed/rediscovered strength, my audaciousness, my newfound insightfulness just faded away. It was eclipsed by all that I did to please him, make myself the 'perfect' partner. Once again, I did it willingly - like a sacrificial lamb. He didnt' ask me to. I didn't knowingly do it. I still don't get it. And I realize it might take years of therapy to figure it out.

Tonight, I came back to my blog because I just watched a TED talk on shame - really, it was on being vulnerable but I'm not vulnerable because I feel shame. I'm ashamed at how far I'd come two years ago and how far I've regressed since then. I'm ashamed at how weak I feel. How the second I get into a relationship, I give up all that makes me authentically me. How I set no boundaries and lost my focus.


But re-reading all my posts reminded me just how amazing I am - just as everyone else is amazing in their own way. And that I can and should let go of that shame. I'm sure it's not as easy as typing that sentence- but will take time and practice. I want to focus on what I am deep in my core in those moments of power - at those moments when I will roar like a lion with the 'expectation of triumph' that I loved so much.